TM-7 Scrotum Smasher
Sound samples, video links & more info on Metasonix product page!

This product could only have been designed by assholes. Eric and I are just exactly those assholes. He craps in your ear, I crap in your eyes. What a great world, where we could have such freedom to make shit like this, and that 100 people would actually pay $450 for it. Wonderful!

The pedal is as unstable as the assholes who industrially defecated it. Once again Eric used these weird vacuum tubes from the olden days to wire together a yellow box truly meant to ruin your guitar's sweet little tone. I find it ironic that I'm in an '80s cover band when the official TM-7 product page specifically ranks on people in bands like that. It just goes to show that even synth players in an '80s band are also quite capable of traveling sideways to their dark side, and enjoy the rapturous badness that Metasonix products can proffer.

This is the first faceplate art provided as chief art-crapper for a Metasonix box, the second job among many more jobs to come, hopefully! I also wrote page after page of the most useless drivel you'll ever find in an owner's manual for any product, ever. Since I'm pretty proud of it, wanna read it? OK! Since only 100 other people got to read it so far (the TM-7 had a limited production cycle, as usual), I have re-created it here on umop.com for the enjoyment of you buncha bored visitors! Careful, it's pretty foul-mouthed.


METASONIX TM-7 OWNER'S MANUAL (PARTIAL)
This is not the entire text of the manual, which would have included safety instructions, legal info, and other stuff not written by myself. Basically, it's just the weird crap.

The usage, and applications of those uses, of the Metasonix TM-7 Scrotum Smasher have proven to be as variable in form and function as the collective genital architecture of all the streetwalkers in Amsterdam.

Hi, I'm David C. Lovelace. You might know me from such films as "Die Hard 2: Die Harder," "Armageddon," "Hudson Hawk," and "Your Penis is a Weapon: Use it Mightily" were it not for my not having been born Bruce Willis. Eric Barbour of Metasonix has sent me on a questing mission to deliver to his customers the instructional know-how regarding the usage of his latest analog signal processor pedal. I have been chosen simply because we are secret lovers. That is to say, we both have a secret love of unusual noises, and of needlessly complex systematic methods to deliver those noises to your brain to try and interpret contextually, metaphysically, and poopulogicalliciously (more on that later, or more likely, not).

I have also been chosen because Eric feels my past accomplishments, both professional and unprofessional, have earned me the right to take you people on this peculiar journey. I have a needlessly complex mind, having designed RPS-101, which is a 101-gesture version of Rock-Paper-Scissors (playable on my homepage at www.umop.com). I also have a very foul mind, having animated the "Retarded Animal Babies" series on Newgrounds.com (some the characters of which can be seen right on the front of your TM-7). But most importantly of all, I have been divorced as recently as this very year, so I truly have a keen insight when it comes to Scrotum Smashing.

One of the perks of my task was the receipt of an autographed TM-7 prototype. It is serial #2, which is perfect because to the uninitiated it can tend to sound like #2... but don't don't worry, that's what this manual will fix, or perhaps simply enhance! I was a bit disappointed that the autograph was Eric's and not somebody more important, like perhaps Bruce Willis, but all the same, it's neat having somebody write shit all over your priceless equipment with a Sharpie, and I intend to do the same for my own fans once this manual becomes so motherfucking famous.

Another perk is that I got my name stuck pretty high up the list to be able to purchase the coveted Metasonix Wretch S-1000 synthesizer. And lo, I am now armed with the Cthulhu of analog beasts, and I will have so much more than I need to fully demonstrate the power of this new pedal, assuming I can find the time during my busy schedule of masturbating myself to death.

But before we dive headlong into that mind-raking, swirling pit of infinite eye-needling, let's begin with the basics. First, reverentially cradle your new TM-7 Scrotum Smasher in your undeserving and hopefully washed palm, and observe the nuances of its front panel layout.

How to connect devices and whatnot to your pedal, and begin the journey that will color your soul a sort of brownish-grey forever and ever: plug your keyboard, guitar, electric zither, 8-track player, or other sound source into where it says "Stick It In." Connect your mixer or sound recording device to where it says "Spew It Out." Don't talk to the nice man in the van, even though the candy looks perfectly safe.

How to connect something via the CV Input patch: plug cable into CV input patch. Wipe hands on pants.

EXPERIMENT #1: I have noticed that by applying peanut butter to the interior of the pedal via the CV Input, that I was able to communicate with my dead grandfather about the whereabouts of his porno zoetrope collection. Afterwards, licking the peanut back out was very rewarding. Please note that this might void your warranty, assuming Mr. Barbour laughably even provided one.

So let's tidy ourselves up mentally, and dig into the functional pinkmeats of this jaundiced morsel of techno-splendor. The actual functionality of an individual knob, switch, lever, and woonsocket (for you Rhode Islanders) can vary dramatically, depending on what everything else is currently set at. For example, "Scrotum Up Ya Ass" might have no effect at all unless "Double Scrotum" is set at a certain point. The best way to familiarize yourself with your TM-7 is via tutorials, in the hope that you might glean the logic and illogic at play.

EXPERIMENT #2: This is a simple, actually useful distortion, with volume control.

First, plug in a shiny red keyboard the way I've already fucking explained, and initially adjust knobs as follows:

Scrotum - all the way up Double Scrotum - set to "Blue Balls" Mega Scrotum - about halfway Scrotum Up Ya Ass - doesn't matter Smash! - BN6 off

Playing a tone will now produce a robust, quaint little distorted process. Adjusting the "Mega Scrotum" knob will turn the volume up and down. Bet you didn't think this manual would actually have any useful information in it, now did you? God damn you and your doubting heart.

Now then... are you ready for the smelliest sound you ever saw? Smash the BN6 on! You will rip open an aperture to Gehenna and unleash at least a dozen 16-hit-dice frost demons. Roll initiative on a 12-sider. Elves, dwarves and halflings must Save vs. Stench Madness due to their acute senses. SNARK! Hey, where am I, I blacked out for a minute there.

EXPERIMENT #3: Distortion brightness control

Keep your current "Scrotum" and "Double Scrotum" settings, leave that BN6 turned on, and turn up both "Mega Scrotum" and "Scrotum Up Ya Ass." You might notice a loud hiss, possibly filtered by a hypnotic pulsation. Not to worry, the TM-7 is supposed to do this. It is merely tuned in to the rhythm of your fading pulse.

What I'd like to dare you to try now is to adjust the "Scrotum Up Ya Ass" knob upsy downsy. Unbelievably, you are now performing another actual useful task: distortion tone modification. Because it's all about "tone" for so many fucking jagoffs, isn't it. All we ever hear about is finding the "perfect TONE, man..." Well hopefully this will go a long way towards shutting the yaps of those tards.

EXPERIMENT #4: Rip open the time-space continuum and fuck it like it's your sister.

Ready for some real fun now? Keep the "Scrotum" turned up, set "Mega Scrotum" about halfway, turn off the BN6, and turn down "Scrotum Up Ya Ass" all the way. Ready? Now switch "Double Scrotum" to "Teabag." Hear that pleasantly awful synthy bass hum? That's you, dude. You're teabagging the universe right now, and it is opening up a supple, moist rift for you to probe. Be careful, because it could turn into a gaping maw full of teeth to clamp down on your nads harder than an insane nun with monkey-like strength.

OK, get ready for some good-time penetration. You don't even have to hold down any notes or 'nuthin. Just turn up the "Scrotum Up Ya Ass" knob. No universe-fuck ever felt quite as good as when your nutsack is inverted four-dimensionally and shoved into your own willing anus. You will become Klein's theoretical paradox decanter, perpetually pouring semen into itself.

It gets better. Playing tones through the unit, while adjusting how far "Up Ya Ass" you're going, will instigate a galactic battle between your tone and the TM-7's self-generating one, causing some rudimentary sync modulations and generally pleasant unpleasantness. Incidentally, additionally adjusting "Mega Scrotum" has the general metaphorical effect of semen regulation. Give it a try, if you can restrain yourself that is.

In the chart shown, also depicted conveniently in microscopic size on the front of the unit, you will learn everything else you need to know about both the TM-7 and the rest of the cosmos as well, as luck would have it:

Since you're already on your way to sonically terrifying everyone within earshot, it is now time to explore more practical, real-world applications of the TM-7.

EXPERIMENT #5: Acquire wealth!

You might notice that Metasonix pedals are brick-like in girth. This is due to the fact that they use good, old-fashioned components that heat up after a bit of use, and take up a lot of room. The other thing is that an amply-weighted cabinet weeds out a lot of pussies. But one of the fringe benefits of this volumetrically advanced enclosure is that it can be used to smash the window of any available liquor store (see image).

As you can probably already guess, getting off your ass, out of the studio, and proceeding forth squintingly into the outside world armed with your trusty TM-7 at hand, you can "signal process" the perception of yourself to others. You can also score some sweet holiday scratch from the coffers of liquor store proprietors, allowing you to purchase many more Metasonix products! You are now at the event horizon of a massive white hole, spouting out more and more possibilities with each successive orbit. Keep smashing windows, keep acquiring wealth, keep purchasing Metasonix products with that wealth to continue the circle with bigger and better heists. With a little perseverance anyone could acquire total control of Earth, and I for one would welcome you as my liege.

Now if you'll excuse me, I will now plug the TM-7 into the Wretch S-1000 as I originally promised earlier in the manual.

Editor's note: the remainder of Dave's text was an incoherent mess. It can only be assumed that his efforts were a success. For further insight into these experiences, Dave can be reached at St. Anne's Home for the Mentally Raped, Woonsocket, RI.


Copyright (C) 2007 David C. Lovelace and Eric Barbour